My Nemesis …. (a rant)

Hello. This is Cliff and I’m your guest columnist for today. Andrea asked me to provide some fodder for her blog so …… welcome to my private hell!

I have a nemesis. Now, I think everyone should have an arch-enemy. We are often defined by the quality of our enemies. Think about it: Achilles vs. Hector/ Superman vs. Luthor/ Bond vs. Blofeld/ U.S. vs. USSR (damn, I miss those guys)/ Batman vs. the Joker/ Red Sox vs. Yankees/ Frazer vs. Ali/ Lohan vs. Duff/ Coyote vs. Roadrunner/ Sonny vs. Cher …. Well, you get the point.

Presently, my nemesis is a mere clerk at the local gas station. I know, I know. You’re thinking that this person as a villain is rather lackluster, not worthy of my attention as the “hero” of this piece”. I’d like to think, however, that with the proper nurturing and encouragement, she could surpass the relatively low-level bureaucratic pettiness of gas-station dictatorship and grasp the brass ring of truly cartoonish, super-villainy!

Here’s the details:

I commute about an hour to work each morning. So, naturally, I have to gas up every other day. My regular stop is this fairly large SuperAmerica in our neighborhood. My nemesis is the 50-something clerk that works there most mornings.

This place has about 24 pumps, some (not all) are pre-pay. The pre-pay pumps are not well-marked at all. Now in the morning I have a routine. Stop for gas; buy a morning paper, coffee, and pastry of some sort; then make the commute. The SuperAmerica fulfills these needs nicely but, unfortunately, I can only pay for gasoline at the pump. As a result, I typically require one of the non-pre-pay pumps.

OK, most of us have probably pulled up to a "pre-pay only" pump by mistake at some point. It happens. However, at this particular establishment ... woe betide anyone who makes the mistake of attempting to prematurely pump gas at a "pre-pay only" pump! The gal that works there will get on the horn and announce to the community just how stupid you are.

Witness:

PUMP 17 IS A PRE-PAY PUMP ONLY! PLEASE INSERT YOUR CREDIT CARD OR MOVE TO ANOTHER PUMP! WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE TO DO, YOU MUST HANG THE NOZZLE BACK UP!

This is what those in my neighborhood are greeted with when picking the wrong pump. Now you may be thinking to yourself, "What's the big deal? The pumps are marked. Get it right, Jackass!" Fair point. However, this station changes which pump at which you can pay outside and which one you have to go inside on a weekly basis. For a while they were the ones closest to the street. After that they were the ones in the row furthest south on the lot. At present, I have no idea which is which.

Maybe you still don't know why I hate this place. Well, here's the last straw. No matter what you do. Even if you don't f*** up and pick a pre-pay pump, you have to put up with the following while you clean your windows, get a soda, coffee, newspaper, doughnut, or otherwise jerkoff for 2 minutes before paying your tab:

WAITING FOR PAYMENT ON PUMP 17!

I swear to God! Today I filled up and was on my way inside when I heard the above announcement. Give me a chance to pay my bill, dammit! My car's still parked right next to the pump so it's not like I drove off! Maybe if you spent less time staring out the goddamn window and running the cash-register ... PEOPLE WOULD PAY QUICKER!

Andrea says that the next time this happens I should announce from the back of the line:

WAITING TO PAY FOR PUMP 17!

Next time this happens I’ll try it and see what sort of response I get. If I get applause from the gallery I’ll know that we’re all just anarchists at heart, waiting to strike a blow for justice against the gas station Nazi!

UP YOURS, EVA BRAUN! (And no, I don’t want that f****** “Rewards” card so that you and Alberto Gonzales can track my daily purchases!)